Monday, April 18

¡¡Frandere!! (Two)

"We all can attempt to imagine a prosperous future. We can try to envision our incredible home system as a 'utopia'. But we will never succeed. Never entirely. We can never clearly imagine anything that we have never experienced..."
...Blah blah blah blah blah...
"…I believe in attainable perfection. It is within our grasp. It is inchoate even as I speak..."
He's beginning to sound preachy. I suppose he always sounds preachy, but... Soup.  (Funny. But now's not the time to argue with yourself, Frandere)...
"Unification is our destination. We have seen it happen throughout Quirillia in times of great duress. In times without the apocryphal leaders and esurient businessmen we have today. Do not worry, I will not mention their names, yet I will allow your imaginations to estimate which of my fellow politicians I speak of..."
There. He winks again at his groupies. Laughter fills the audience. I guess it's possible for him to be more direct, but why hasn't he made more enemies? It is rather amazing that he hasn’t noticed me yet. He must be focusing hard on what he’s going to say. No time to be distracted by my presence. And now, for some weird reason, I am getting an uneasy feeling in my gut. And I’m pretty sure it's not those peas I ate earlier.
"Excuse me while I expatiate, but I am going to illustrate…”
He sure likes to rhyme today. But I guess that is okay. Could be worse. He could be terse. No, that wouldn’t be worse, it’d be just fine. Okay, I can see why he likes to rhyme. No, dine. I’m… wasting time? Crackers, he’s better at this than me.
“…and our economies will then dilapidate…” Wait. What’d I miss? “We’d be without an iota of a real, tangible hope.” I think he’s serious now. Well, he’s always serious. But I mean seriously serious. I caught Eathös’ glance right then. He was looking a bit unsettled. He didn’t eat any of those peas, so his discomfort must be from something my father said. This surely can’t be anything good. I should probably be listening, then.
“…like I have said, we are not the only ones with a consistent government. We are not the only ones with seemingly limitless systemic power. As our territories accumulate growth at this rapidly increasing rate, we are bound on a collision course. We cannot slow our expansion, though. That is not what I suggest. If we lose our momentum, they could trample over the borders of our ‘nearly-pristine’ civilization.” Oh, sarcasm. That’s rare. “No, we must channel our ambition with theirs. Steer away from an impending calamity. We do not need a war. They can ally with us.”
They? Does he mean… Myans?! I looked at Eathös. He was shaking his head. Oh. Kararve. Not good.
“Here is my proposition. I do not claim it to be modest, but I do believe it as necessary. As our current rulers are ever-extending our reach without much concern for the well-being of our planetary neighbors…” A few agreeing boos from the audience. This is a point he’s nailed on many times before. “..and our upcoming candidates are recommending our preservation, to momentarily retreat from our expansion in order to preserve the wealth of our high-class citizens…” Many more boos from the audience. Especially from the groupies. The crowd was just loud enough to be cut back into silence when he said:
“…It is all verisimilitude. So I propose… You allow me to run for president.”
And then the room exploded again. I actually had to protect my ears. Yet the screaming and yelling was more focused. It was cheering. Rooting. Now becoming chanting. Unanimous support from everyone, of course. But this is wrong. So ridiculously wrong. He can’t do this! This is exactly the opposite of what he needs to do!
Eathös grabbed my arm and then leaned over my ear, yelling, “You weren’t expecting this, were you?!” Of course not, Stupid! And I wish I could ignore the smell of your breath at time like this. All I managed to yell back at him was, “Let go of me!”. The crowd was still in freak-out mode. I don’t think anyone actually expected him to run for candidacy. He usually openly opposed the idea, stated it as power-hungry. Although, his argument did seem to be sound to those oblivious. As I already knew, he’s the only one who sees the state of Mactcha as it really is. His solution just isn’t the right one. It’s far from the right one.
“Whoa, whoa… Please, please…” His voice temporarily soothed the insatiably insane ones in the audience. “I did not expect such fervent support.” (Ha!) “I mean to assure you – as soon as a solidified, united alliance is formed, I will step down from presidency.” Boos and no’s from the groupies. “But you can rest assured, if I am elected, I will be as efficient as possible. There will be no dalliance. I will not equivocate. I will have one goal. I will stop at nothing to accomplish it. Because our survival depends on it. If we are content with our own obesity, then we are ignorant to what happening right now. Because while we prosper, so does Mya. And we are already competitors. Soon, though, if left unrestrained, our competition will turn to conflict. Our homes will turn to battlefields. But we can unite with them. Before we are too late.”
The ecstatic audience seemed to be shaking the room. Oh, wait. They are shaking the room. They’re not just screaming and fainting and having joyful hernias anymore. They are jumping up and down like one happy mosh…
“This is my aim! With your backing support, we can unite Mactcha!” Another ear-shattering uproar. I’m glad there are no windows in here. “We can join forces with the Myan Empire and repair our collective damages…” Please, Dad. Just stop. “…But I need all of your support. A united front… By show of hands, who here is in favor of my candidacy?” Everyone raised their hands and shouted “aye”. He didn’t ask for verbal agreement, but I’m pretty sure his fans are incapable of not shouting when they’re excited.
“Who here does not favor it?” The audience laughed. But there was a resurgence of rebellion swelling in me. Wait, no, it’s not rebellion. Somebody needs stand up to this. And then he can finally notice me. And besides, he’s a haughty whatever-you-call-it. So… I raised my hand.
The collective shock from those standing closest to me and Eathös spread through the small room quite quickly. All eyes fixated on us. Eathös was shaking his head again, but it was this time directed toward me. And there was Dad – in the center of the stage – looking down at me with that familiar expression of anger and confuddlement. He showed no apparent sign of surprise. So I returned the expression.
I started to taste a lot disdain in the air. I wasn’t too familiar with the taste, but I definitely didn’t like it. Every rabid pair of eyes pierced me with a palpable hate. Eathös was tense. Like how he got tense just before he leaped onto Myan’s faces. Just before imminent danger. Just before… Oh… Kararve…
And that’s when the crowd became a mob. Then there was a loud noise. And I quickly faded from consciousness.

Friday, April 15

the capitals

there is no way to define it. it's meaningless and yet it's most of me. i cannot fully separate imagination from experience. you have no idea how much this paragraph annoys me.

it's seamlessly flat. perfectly flush. streamlined into my obtuse life. irritatingly obscure. persistently present. it's cdo, of course not. no. it's everything i'm not. it's part of what I am.

for on an average, every other second is a thought of non-worth. wasted time and effort pours into extreme discrimination. it's comical, it's functional. and it's often more than I can safely bear.

i worry over everything. i can't not. but i'm so good at pretending, i'm not pretending anymore. there's always a voice to tell me to start over, to try again. even when I've yet to really begin.

i dream all the time. in the day and the night. i confuse realities with what i know just couldn't be right. so when someone comes to talk to me, i feel i've done it before. yet i haven't. yet i have. yet i haven't yet i have yet i haven't yet i have. i pause and examine my ridiculous thoughts. no, that was in just in your mind. yes, you've paused for too long. no, this isn't insanity. you're wasting time.

Then a moment comes so swiftly and it sweeps me off the ground.
I realize I've been corroding in my own mind.
Unexplainable peace spreads from new thoughts I find.
It's worthy of the Capitals and all the attention I can conjure.

When will I fully conclude that it's completely profound?
I must be slow and lazy for it hasn't happened yet.
The indescribable meaning of this stable mindset.
It's real and tangible and no delusion of grandeur.

Saturday, April 9

In Place

I guess it's something predictable
But I never see it speeding this way
An actual obstacle
I guess it's what I'm about to say

I had to face a question
In the midst of self-doubt
After due hesitation
Was relieved to get out

I think it would be easier
To imagine you as distant
If you weren't so very close to me
If I didn't ever really care

I always swerve to disaster
You said you wished it was different
And every time you redirect me
It creates a stillness in the air

I wonder if I need new friends
Add them to my old
Simple as it should have been
I wonder if I'll fold

I could crumble away... forever
But you'd pick up my pieces
Then glue me back together...

I can't imagine my life
Without your lovely face
Without unnecessary strife
Without you somewhere in place

In these situations I'm relapsing
You know I'm hesitating
I'll lean on you to prevent collapsing
And thank you by not waiting

Followers